Anger

Making me angry these days is about as easy as getting one of those Buckingham Palace guards with the big furry hats to crack a smile. I’ve been down and getting kicked for so long now, that simple disrespect or mistreatment doesn’t even come close to getting my ire up. Honestly, it doesn’t do you a whole lot of good to get angry in prison. You let another convict know you’re mad at him and he’s probably going to want to fight, and if you pop off at the mouth to a cop you’ll be REALLY sorry—that will either end in an ass-whipping, or a vacation to the hole, and either one will leave a bad taste in your mouth. (The blood or the food.)But recently, these cops did something that frustrated me so much that I was ready to lick one of the jerks and stick him to the wall. I used to be a fireball...

AN OPEN LETTER TO PARIS HILTON

Dear Paris,Greetings from one convict to another! I hope everything is going well for you there in the “Linwood Hilton.” I wasn’t going to write you, but I see that the first couple days in jail didn’t go too well for you, so I’ll give you some advice. Ya know, from one hard-core con to another.First of all, no more outbursts in the courtroom. You only have 23 days to do. Hold your weave high and do your time. 23 days isn’t even long enough for you to learn anything, let alone get institutionalized. After 23 days, you’re still mad you got caught, not remorseful for what you did. So suck it up, and don’t worry. You’ll still be the same irresponsible snob you were before. The only difference will be that now you’ll have street cred.Second, we don’t feel sorry for you, so stop thinking...

Experiment

Let’s do a little thought experiment here. Picture yourself locked in your bathroom. If you have a TV or a radio in there—it is gone. All you have in there with you is a foam mattress, linen, basic hygiene products (soap, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant), pen and paper, and a few random books to read. You are brought meals in little plastic trays three times a day. You have approximately 20 minutes to eat, and then some one will come back and demand the trays back.Every weekday at 6:00 in the morning, you will be allowed to spend an hour in your bedroom, which is completely empty. At the end of your hour of “rec,” you will be escorted back to the bathroom (in handcuffs), not to be allowed out until the next morning. Since you already have access to a toilet, shower, and sink, there’s...

Death makes us real

The eminently quotable Mark Twain once scribed, “The mere knowledge of a fact is pale; but when you come to realize your fact, it takes on color. It is all the difference between hearing of a man being stabbed to the heart, and seeing it done.” If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to have seen such violence, I’m sure you agree.I grew up in the 80s, and never had cable as a kid. None of the other kids in my neighborhood did either, so my friends and I were always limited in what kind of movies we could watch. A good R-rated movie was harder for us to get our hands on than the “secret location” where our Mom hid our lunch sweets. (HELLO, Little Debbie!)I guess we finally got a VCR when I was 8 or 9 years old, but remember, we’re talking about a time before Blockbuster Video and Netflix....

Serene Afternoons

Those of you that live in or near a major city have probably spent a weekend afternoon at your city’s largest park, and surely found it to be a unique and serene experience. From the joggers and bicyclists cruising the paths to the sport enthusiasts, to the dog lovers out for a stroll with their canine companions, there is a feeling of a gathering taking place for the common good, where all have left their troubles at home and come only to enjoy what nature and community have to offer. Even those of you who have never experienced this personally have surely seen cinematic evidence of a day in New York City’s Central Park, and can relate to what I’m describing.Now picture the same Sunday in the park, only with all of its participants shirtless, tattooed convicts doing time for murder, drug...

Why am I here?

You may be wondering by now, “What’s this guy doing in a Maximum Security prison? He doesn’t seem like a killer.” Let me tell you, you’re soooo right. In fact, I haven’t always been in a Max Security joint. I started out in a fairly calm Medium Security Institution, but an unfortunate incident involving a 300 pound Nazi and a burrito compromised that. I’m not sure whether I blame the 300 pound Nazi or the burrito more, but let me tell you what happened, and you can decide for yourselves.As we’ve already discussed, you cannot always choose who your cellmate is going to be around here. So I happened to draw a big skinhead fella named “Country” (never a good thing) (Think Deliverance) who had the brains of a rhesus monkey and the brawn of an 800 pound Silverback. I’m a cordial enough guy,...

A Dose Of Reality

Here’s something kind of fun. The whole inspiration for this website in the first place was seeing a couple of really bad movies about (or depicting) prison, and thinking to myself, “ya know, they probably believe it’s really like that.” But really, there is just not that much realism in prison cinema. A couple flicks have hit it right on, however. So what I thought I’d do is list the top 10 most authentic prison movies, and then tell you the ones NOT to believe. Here goes:For a dose of reality:The Shawshank Redemption—This movie captures the essence of a prisoners existence. From the sobering loneliness Andy felt alone in his cell at night to the irreplaceable camaraderie he felt with Red. This movie is just how it is. It’s a grind - the same thing all day every day, there’s always...