You live vicariously through those characters because you're never going to see prison first hand. Doesn't make it any less fascinating, though, does it? That's where I come in. I'm in "the joint" as we speak. Now, if you find it morally questionable that I'm shamelessly exploiting my situation for "entertainment" - well, you probably just logged off anyways. Sorry to see you go, you're going to miss a few good stories. As for the rest of you, let me introduce myself.
My name is Andrew (sorry I don't have a cooler prison name like Blade or Ripper), I'm 34 years old, and I'm writing this from inside of a Federal Prison.
I did time in a maximum security penitentiary for bank robbery, but it's been some years now and all in all, I'm a pretty good guy. We learn from our mistakes just like anyone does, and I won't be in here forever. Besides, you ask anyone in prison and they'll tell you we're all innocent anyways.
So, about this blog thing. I've got a few good stories to tell, and I thought it might be interesting if I shared a few of them with you, and gave a report from my little piece of heaven here occasionally. Think of me as kind of an incarcarated Ira Glass. I'll try to keep it interesting, and hopefully it will be unique. Who knows, you might learn a little something. Do you know how to start a fire with a battery and some oatmeal? Make hooch with skittles and tomatos? I do.
Your comments are welcome, eagerly anticipated even. I hope you'll understand why it may not be so easy to respond to them. I'll do my best, but I obviously don't have an Internet connection. We're talking through a middle man (or woman) here. Anyways, read on, spread the word, and enjoy what I have to say. Life's no bed of roses in here, but if you get some joy out of it, it's good with me. We all do it.
Some of my favorite movies:
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Schindler's List
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Psycho
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On the Waterfront
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Star Wars (all six of them)
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Tombstone
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The Shawshank Redemption
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Goodfellas
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Avatar
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Leaving Las Vegas
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Drugstore Cowboy
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East of Eden
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Trainspotting
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North by Northwest
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Midnight Express
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The Lost Weekend
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Casino
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The Usual Suspects
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Pulp Fiction
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The Breakfast Club
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Taxi Driver
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Sunset Boulevard
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Breakfast at Tiffany's
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Blackboard Jungle
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Braveheart
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Schindler's List
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Psycho
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On the Waterfront
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Star Wars (all six of them)
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Tombstone
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The Shawshank Redemption
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Goodfellas
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Avatar
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Leaving Las Vegas
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Drugstore Cowboy
Making me angry these days is about as easy as getting one of those Buckingham Palace guards with the big furry hats to crack a smile. I’ve been down and getting kicked for so long now, that simple disrespect or mistreatment doesn’t even come close to getting my ire up. Honestly, it doesn’t do you a whole lot of good to get angry in prison. You let another convict know you’re mad at him and he’s probably going to want to fight, and if you pop off at the mouth to a cop you’ll be REALLY sorry—that will either end in an ass-whipping, or a vacation to the hole, and either one will leave a bad taste in your mouth. (The blood or the food.)But recently, these cops did something that frustrated me so much that I was ready to lick one of the jerks and stick him to the wall. I used to be a fireball...
Dear Paris,Greetings from one convict to another! I hope everything is going well for you there in the “Linwood Hilton.” I wasn’t going to write you, but I see that the first couple days in jail didn’t go too well for you, so I’ll give you some advice. Ya know, from one hard-core con to another.First of all, no more outbursts in the courtroom. You only have 23 days to do. Hold your weave high and do your time. 23 days isn’t even long enough for you to learn anything, let alone get institutionalized. After 23 days, you’re still mad you got caught, not remorseful for what you did. So suck it up, and don’t worry. You’ll still be the same irresponsible snob you were before. The only difference will be that now you’ll have street cred.Second, we don’t feel sorry for you, so stop thinking...
Let’s do a little thought experiment here. Picture yourself locked in your bathroom. If you have a TV or a radio in there—it is gone. All you have in there with you is a foam mattress, linen, basic hygiene products (soap, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant), pen and paper, and a few random books to read. You are brought meals in little plastic trays three times a day. You have approximately 20 minutes to eat, and then some one will come back and demand the trays back.Every weekday at 6:00 in the morning, you will be allowed to spend an hour in your bedroom, which is completely empty. At the end of your hour of “rec,” you will be escorted back to the bathroom (in handcuffs), not to be allowed out until the next morning. Since you already have access to a toilet, shower, and sink, there’s...
The eminently quotable Mark Twain once scribed, “The mere knowledge of a fact is pale; but when you come to realize your fact, it takes on color. It is all the difference between hearing of a man being stabbed to the heart, and seeing it done.” If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to have seen such violence, I’m sure you agree.I grew up in the 80s, and never had cable as a kid. None of the other kids in my neighborhood did either, so my friends and I were always limited in what kind of movies we could watch. A good R-rated movie was harder for us to get our hands on than the “secret location” where our Mom hid our lunch sweets. (HELLO, Little Debbie!)I guess we finally got a VCR when I was 8 or 9 years old, but remember, we’re talking about a time before Blockbuster Video and Netflix....