Let's face it. Prison is interesting. The same thing that makes you slow down and rubberneck a car wreck makes you wonder what happens when you throw a bunch of bad guys together and make 'em suffer. It's why you watch Prison Break, why The Count of Monte Cristo is a classic, why those guys didn't bust out of Shawshank and Alcatraz until the end of the movie

You live vicariously through those characters because you're never going to see prison first hand. Doesn't make it any less fascinating, though, does it? That's where I come in. I'm in "the joint" as we speak. Now, if you find it morally questionable that I'm shamelessly exploiting my situation for "entertainment" - well, you probably just logged off anyways. Sorry to see you go, you're going to miss a few good stories. As for the rest of you, let me introduce myself.

My name is Andrew (sorry I don't have a cooler prison name like Blade or Ripper), I'm 34 years old, and I'm writing this from inside of a Federal Prison.

I did time in a maximum security penitentiary for bank robbery, but it's been some years now and all in all, I'm a pretty good guy. We learn from our mistakes just like anyone does, and I won't be in here forever. Besides, you ask anyone in prison and they'll tell you we're all innocent anyways.

So, about this blog thing. I've got a few good stories to tell, and I thought it might be interesting if I shared a few of them with you, and gave a report from my little piece of heaven here occasionally. Think of me as kind of an incarcarated Ira Glass. I'll try to keep it interesting, and hopefully it will be unique. Who knows, you might learn a little something. Do you know how to start a fire with a battery and some oatmeal? Make hooch with skittles and tomatos? I do.

Your comments are welcome, eagerly anticipated even. I hope you'll understand why it may not be so easy to respond to them. I'll do my best, but I obviously don't have an Internet connection. We're talking through a middle man (or woman) here. Anyways, read on, spread the word, and enjoy what I have to say. Life's no bed of roses in here, but if you get some joy out of it, it's good with me. We all do it.

Some of my favorite movies:

  • The Shawshank Redemption

  • Goodfellas

  • Avatar

  • Leaving Las Vegas

  • Drugstore Cowboy

  • East of Eden

  • Trainspotting

  • North by Northwest

  • Midnight Express

  • The Lost Weekend

  • Casino

  • The Usual Suspects

  • Pulp Fiction

  • The Breakfast Club

  • Taxi Driver

  • Sunset Boulevard

  • Breakfast at Tiffany's

  • Blackboard Jungle

  • Braveheart

  • Schindler's List

  • Psycho

  • On the Waterfront

  • Star Wars (all six of them)

  • Tombstone

Thursday, June 28, 2007

AN OPEN LETTER TO PARIS HILTON

Posted by Andrew On 9:47 AM No comments

Dear Paris,

Greetings from one convict to another! I hope everything is going well for you there in the “Linwood Hilton.” I wasn’t going to write you, but I see that the first couple days in jail didn’t go too well for you, so I’ll give you some advice. Ya know, from one hard-core con to another.

First of all, no more outbursts in the courtroom. You only have 23 days to do. Hold your weave high and do your time. 23 days isn’t even long enough for you to learn anything, let alone get institutionalized. After 23 days, you’re still mad you got caught, not remorseful for what you did. So suck it up, and don’t worry. You’ll still be the same irresponsible snob you were before. The only difference will be that now you’ll have street cred.

Second, we don’t feel sorry for you, so stop thinking we do. Wallowing in self pity isn’t going to make you any money, so let’s get our priorities straight. We all know that there is going to be a book coming out of this whole ordeal, so let’s not make it a boring one. It’s time to have some high incarceration adventures! Get in some cat fights! Drink some jailhouse “hooch!” You know how you made Nicole and Britney your bitches in Hollywood? Try that in there! Just walk up to the first girl you see who looks like she ought to have the nickname “Large Marge,” and slap the taste out of her mouth! Then you tell her “I’m your pimp mommy now,” and make her wash your panties in the toilet. Lindsay Lohan will cower before you when you get out! For God’s sake, give us something exciting. No one wants to read about how you found Jesus in there. We might have credibility issues with that one.

Next, we all want to see some mementos of your “hard time.” Like a tattoo. You can choose one yourself, but I would suggest something symbolic, like the judges name, or even that cool looking barbed wire around the wrist or an ankle. Also, it would be cool if you could pick up some prison lingo, and drop us a few snippets in your coming-out-of-jail press conference. Try this one, “The screws made it tough, and the chow was like, totally gross, but I kept my shank close by and nobody messed with me or my cell cell bitch.” We’ll love you forever!

Finally, let’s not get stuck in a rut here. A few weeks for probation violation is good P.R., but it’s going to take something bigger and better for the next time. We don’t really want to see you in rehab (Lindsay & Britney have that niche locked up), so simple possession isn’t going to do it for us. Winona Ryder did the shoplifting thing years ago, so that’s not going to cut it either. We’re going to need some violence out of you. Or at least a high speed chase. Start thinking about the future, okay?

Listen, we just want what’s best for you. This whole jail ordeal is going to make you a couple million at least. And that’s for 23 days. 23 days! I’m working on a 10 piece (years), and I’ll be lucky to get 50 bucks and a bus ticket home when it’s all said and done. The least you can do is be grateful for the opportunity. And maybe put me in touch with your agent?

Yours Truly,

Andrew (and the world)

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