Anger

Making me angry these days is about as easy as getting one of those Buckingham Palace guards with the big furry hats to crack a smile. I’ve been down and getting kicked for so long now, that simple disrespect or mistreatment doesn’t even come close to getting my ire up. Honestly, it doesn’t do you a whole lot of good to get angry in prison. You let another convict know you’re mad at him and he’s probably going to want to fight, and if you pop off at the mouth to a cop you’ll be REALLY sorry—that will either end in an ass-whipping, or a vacation to the hole, and either one will leave a bad taste in your mouth. (The blood or the food.)But recently, these cops did something that frustrated me so much that I was ready to lick one of the jerks and stick him to the wall. I used to be a fireball...

AN OPEN LETTER TO PARIS HILTON

Dear Paris,Greetings from one convict to another! I hope everything is going well for you there in the “Linwood Hilton.” I wasn’t going to write you, but I see that the first couple days in jail didn’t go too well for you, so I’ll give you some advice. Ya know, from one hard-core con to another.First of all, no more outbursts in the courtroom. You only have 23 days to do. Hold your weave high and do your time. 23 days isn’t even long enough for you to learn anything, let alone get institutionalized. After 23 days, you’re still mad you got caught, not remorseful for what you did. So suck it up, and don’t worry. You’ll still be the same irresponsible snob you were before. The only difference will be that now you’ll have street cred.Second, we don’t feel sorry for you, so stop thinking...

Experiment

Let’s do a little thought experiment here. Picture yourself locked in your bathroom. If you have a TV or a radio in there—it is gone. All you have in there with you is a foam mattress, linen, basic hygiene products (soap, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant), pen and paper, and a few random books to read. You are brought meals in little plastic trays three times a day. You have approximately 20 minutes to eat, and then some one will come back and demand the trays back.Every weekday at 6:00 in the morning, you will be allowed to spend an hour in your bedroom, which is completely empty. At the end of your hour of “rec,” you will be escorted back to the bathroom (in handcuffs), not to be allowed out until the next morning. Since you already have access to a toilet, shower, and sink, there’s...

Death makes us real

The eminently quotable Mark Twain once scribed, “The mere knowledge of a fact is pale; but when you come to realize your fact, it takes on color. It is all the difference between hearing of a man being stabbed to the heart, and seeing it done.” If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to have seen such violence, I’m sure you agree.I grew up in the 80s, and never had cable as a kid. None of the other kids in my neighborhood did either, so my friends and I were always limited in what kind of movies we could watch. A good R-rated movie was harder for us to get our hands on than the “secret location” where our Mom hid our lunch sweets. (HELLO, Little Debbie!)I guess we finally got a VCR when I was 8 or 9 years old, but remember, we’re talking about a time before Blockbuster Video and Netflix....

Serene Afternoons

Those of you that live in or near a major city have probably spent a weekend afternoon at your city’s largest park, and surely found it to be a unique and serene experience. From the joggers and bicyclists cruising the paths to the sport enthusiasts, to the dog lovers out for a stroll with their canine companions, there is a feeling of a gathering taking place for the common good, where all have left their troubles at home and come only to enjoy what nature and community have to offer. Even those of you who have never experienced this personally have surely seen cinematic evidence of a day in New York City’s Central Park, and can relate to what I’m describing.Now picture the same Sunday in the park, only with all of its participants shirtless, tattooed convicts doing time for murder, drug...

Why am I here?

You may be wondering by now, “What’s this guy doing in a Maximum Security prison? He doesn’t seem like a killer.” Let me tell you, you’re soooo right. In fact, I haven’t always been in a Max Security joint. I started out in a fairly calm Medium Security Institution, but an unfortunate incident involving a 300 pound Nazi and a burrito compromised that. I’m not sure whether I blame the 300 pound Nazi or the burrito more, but let me tell you what happened, and you can decide for yourselves.As we’ve already discussed, you cannot always choose who your cellmate is going to be around here. So I happened to draw a big skinhead fella named “Country” (never a good thing) (Think Deliverance) who had the brains of a rhesus monkey and the brawn of an 800 pound Silverback. I’m a cordial enough guy,...

A Dose Of Reality

Here’s something kind of fun. The whole inspiration for this website in the first place was seeing a couple of really bad movies about (or depicting) prison, and thinking to myself, “ya know, they probably believe it’s really like that.” But really, there is just not that much realism in prison cinema. A couple flicks have hit it right on, however. So what I thought I’d do is list the top 10 most authentic prison movies, and then tell you the ones NOT to believe. Here goes:For a dose of reality:The Shawshank Redemption—This movie captures the essence of a prisoners existence. From the sobering loneliness Andy felt alone in his cell at night to the irreplaceable camaraderie he felt with Red. This movie is just how it is. It’s a grind - the same thing all day every day, there’s always...

What is prison even for?

Not long ago, I observed that “no one knows what prison is for anymore.” I included this comment in a mostly sardonic and observational post, one that did not address the prison “purpose” issue in ANY detail. Yet I received some feedback on that particular comment, so I’m going to take the time to expound on the thought.When I say no one knows what prison is for, I am over looking the obvious. Of course the immediate goal of incarceration is to get criminals off the street and in a place where they can no longer do harm to the law abiding public. Beyond that, however, I fear that the powers that be have become mired in a punishment for us, rehabilitation debate, and lost a sense of objective. It seems that the strategy presented to the public is to provide criminals an environment where...

Some clarification!

Well, we’re only a little ways into this project, and I’ve already learned a few things. Most of it will turn out to be a positive thing, and since we’re all about honesty here in this little corner of cyberspace, here it is:This writing thing is harder than I expected. Not that I don’t know how to write—I am an aspiring journalist/novelist with plenty of experience. But, with this blog, I feel like I’m speaking directly to you. That makes me a little nervous. On top of that, I can’t go back and change what I’ve said. Once one of these goes in the mail, it’s a done deal. I think like any writer, as soon as you write something down, you begin to question it. That’s a little tough. I don’t get the benefit of a second draft.You can’t please everyone, so why try? I quickly realized that...

Love in prison

Okay, it’s time to do a little myth-busting here. I’m a little bit tired of friends and loved ones working under the assumption that my “male virginity” has been in danger since I walked in the front door of this place. Some of them have even been bold enough to ask (and you know who you are) if I’ve turned gay yet. Or better yet, if I’VE BEEN TURNED gay yet.Listen, people, no matter what HBO and your local wacky morning DJs say, I have never been attacked by a gang of bikers looking to steal my “treasure.” Maybe 50 years ago there were gangs of bull queers roaming the prison hallways looking to burglarize someone’s britches, but nowadays it just doesn’t happen like that.Am I saying there’s no man-on-man action in here? Absolutely not. But it’s consensual. Homosexuals get arrested too....

Getting drunk behind bars!!!

We’re going to lighten up this time. I figure after my last couple entries, you could use a drink. So I’m going to tell you all what you need to know about making prison wine. We call it hooch.First and foremost, let me say that what I’m about to tell you how to do actually shouldn’t be done, is almost certainly bad for you, and may not even be legal. Further more, if you are under the drinking age, you shouldn’t even read this, something resonates about “contributing to the delinquency of a minor.” With all that said, here’s how we get drunk in prison.What you’ll need: A 5 gallon containerA straw 2 Heavy Duty trash bagsA rubber band3 lbs. sugar 24 pieces of fruit (oranges, grapefruit, bananas) A 16 oz cupMakes 3 gallons !Okay, the first thing you need to do is make a...

Dinner with a Cannibal

I never thought I would have dinner with a cannibal. I suppose that life could have taken me down a different path that involved a trip to a South American rain forest to study the Yanomamo tribe, but it was unlikely. So I figured the closest I would come to cannibalism would be to see Hannibal Lecter relishing some one’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Then I met Buzz.You never want to ask too many questions around here. Minding your own business is the key to survival. The less you know, the less you can be held responsible for. Plus, hey, there’s just some things you don’t WANT to know.When I first got here, some of the guys introduced me to an older fella named Buzz. He was in his 70s, and seemed to have all those qualities that usually come with age: wisdom, patience,...

Artemus Ward

There’s an old story told by Artemus Ward, about a baby-faced fourteen year old kid from Arkansas, who killed his parents with a meat ax. He was convicted by a jury, but before he passed his sentence, the judge asked the young fella if he had anything to say. “Why no,” the boy replied, “I don’t think I do, but I hope yer honor will show some consideration FOR THE FEELINGS OF A POOR ORPHAN!”This sentiment is echoed all throughout the prison system. Most of these guys have the biggest sense of entitlement I’ve ever seen. It’s almost like once they get here, they forget they even broke the law. They think they’re at a bed and breakfast in the Hamptons or something.You see, the truth is that we get taken care of pretty well in here. Our meals are always waiting for us, they never run out...

Around here....

Around here, you don’t often have a choice about who your cellmate will be. They don’t mix races together, and generally don’t put two guys from rival gangs in the same cell together, but other than that, almost anything goes.Me? I’ve got a cranky old bastard. The guy used to fly planes full of Pablo Escobars’ money back and forth, and had the world at his fingertips out there. Now, he’s never getting out.This can lead to some uncomfortable situations. There’s some things you just don’t talk about around a guy like that. For a guy like me who gets out fairly soon, it’s hard to bite your tongue sometimes. I mean, I’m looking forward to the future, and this guy feels like I’m rubbing freedom in his face every time I start fantasizing about my first cheeseburger or the hooker I hope is...

Do you know what you're obligated to do as a convict?

You’ve got to hate “the man.” You know, the hacks, the screws. It’s almost cartoonish how some of these guys in here run around trying to convince each other how wrong they're being treated. I’m half convinced that Ma Beagle is going to come bust some of these guys out of here any minute.But you know what the truth is? We get 3 square meals, clothes, sheets, a shower every day, and everything after that is gravy. And most of the cops in here treat us pretty decent. There’s just one problem: You’ve got to talk greasy to them to get what you want.No, the polite police aren’t allowed to patrol this town. You say please or thank you, and you’ll be waiting until you hit the streets again to get your roll of toilet paper or your bar of soap. But you tell that dirty son-of-a-something that...

Do you know what's going to happen on May 14th of this year?

If you follow the news, you might think you do, but let me tell you. Our prison economy is going to CRASH. It’s going to be just like it would for you if the government came out and told you a dollar bill wasn’t worth a dollar anymore. Fiduciary chaos.You see, the price of stamps is going up on May 14th, and everything in prison here costs stamps. Let me explain.Everything is for sale here. From a piece of chicken out of the chow hall to a piece of “Pretty Ricky” over in D-Block, there’s a black market for everything. So we’ve got to have some sort of currency, and we’re not allowed to have cigarettes anymore. Besides, cigarettes went out of style a few years ago anyways, they’re too big and bulky. Some of these guys do big-time business, and it’s hard to hand over 100 packs of cigarettes...