Artemus Ward

There’s an old story told by Artemus Ward, about a baby-faced fourteen year old kid from Arkansas, who killed his parents with a meat ax. He was convicted by a jury, but before he passed his sentence, the judge asked the young fella if he had anything to say. “Why no,” the boy replied, “I don’t think I do, but I hope yer honor will show some consideration FOR THE FEELINGS OF A POOR ORPHAN!”

This sentiment is echoed all throughout the prison system. Most of these guys have the biggest sense of entitlement I’ve ever seen. It’s almost like once they get here, they forget they even broke the law. They think they’re at a bed and breakfast in the Hamptons or something.

You see, the truth is that we get taken care of pretty well in here. Our meals are always waiting for us, they never run out of clothes in here, and the health care isn’t great (they tend to think that ibuprofen cures EVERYTHING), but it’s free. I mean, we’ve got cable, and they rent movies for us to watch on the weekends; how bad could it be?

I guess the biggest punishment of all is taking away the chance to be with our families, but here’s my point (and my first real social commentary since starting this thing): Nobody knows what prison is for anymore. You’ve got a bunch of guys running around in here like they’re on vacation. The best Education THEY will give you is a G.E.D. The place is full of drugs, and they’ve got Jerry Springer and Bob Barker babysitting us. Most of us are coming back out there with you, and we’re no better for being here. Even worse, we’re armed with a criminal education that deserves a degree. This is Sofflaw University. I know how to commit crimes I didn’t even know EXISTED when I got here.

I guess all I’m saying is if any of you feel sorry for us in here, don’t. We’re doing alright. We’ve got a lesson we need to learn. Right now, I’ve got to go, it’s almost time for “Desperate Housewives.”