You’ve got to hate “the man.” You know, the hacks, the screws. It’s almost cartoonish how some of these guys in here run around trying to convince each other how wrong they're being treated. I’m half convinced that Ma Beagle is going to come bust some of these guys out of here any minute.
But you know what the truth is? We get 3 square meals, clothes, sheets, a shower every day, and everything after that is gravy. And most of the cops in here treat us pretty decent. There’s just one problem: You’ve got to talk greasy to them to get what you want.
No, the polite police aren’t allowed to patrol this town. You say please or thank you, and you’ll be waiting until you hit the streets again to get your roll of toilet paper or your bar of soap. But you tell that dirty son-of-a-something that he better go get your stuff or he’ll be as sorry as K-Fed the day after he got the divorce papers, and he’ll be back with it before you can say “She’s the crazy one.”
So what happens to nice guys in here? You know the saying. Back of the line, punk. What do I do? As the man upstairs for a little forgiveness and tell these “jerks” what they need to hear. Because that’s what they’re used to. Sad? A little. But I’m willing to make the sacrifice. Sometimes you’ve got to man up and be mean.
You live vicariously through those characters because you're never going to see prison first hand. Doesn't make it any less fascinating, though, does it? That's where I come in. I'm in "the joint" as we speak. Now, if you find it morally questionable that I'm shamelessly exploiting my situation for "entertainment" - well, you probably just logged off anyways. Sorry to see you go, you're going to miss a few good stories. As for the rest of you, let me introduce myself.
My name is Andrew (sorry I don't have a cooler prison name like Blade or Ripper), I'm 34 years old, and I'm writing this from inside of a Federal Prison.
I did time in a maximum security penitentiary for bank robbery, but it's been some years now and all in all, I'm a pretty good guy. We learn from our mistakes just like anyone does, and I won't be in here forever. Besides, you ask anyone in prison and they'll tell you we're all innocent anyways.
So, about this blog thing. I've got a few good stories to tell, and I thought it might be interesting if I shared a few of them with you, and gave a report from my little piece of heaven here occasionally. Think of me as kind of an incarcarated Ira Glass. I'll try to keep it interesting, and hopefully it will be unique. Who knows, you might learn a little something. Do you know how to start a fire with a battery and some oatmeal? Make hooch with skittles and tomatos? I do.
Your comments are welcome, eagerly anticipated even. I hope you'll understand why it may not be so easy to respond to them. I'll do my best, but I obviously don't have an Internet connection. We're talking through a middle man (or woman) here. Anyways, read on, spread the word, and enjoy what I have to say. Life's no bed of roses in here, but if you get some joy out of it, it's good with me. We all do it.
Some of my favorite movies:
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The Shawshank Redemption
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Goodfellas
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Avatar
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Leaving Las Vegas
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Drugstore Cowboy
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East of Eden
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Trainspotting
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North by Northwest
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Midnight Express
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The Lost Weekend
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Casino
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The Usual Suspects
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Pulp Fiction
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The Breakfast Club
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Taxi Driver
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Sunset Boulevard
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Breakfast at Tiffany's
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Blackboard Jungle
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Braveheart
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Schindler's List
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Psycho
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On the Waterfront
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Star Wars (all six of them)
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Tombstone
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