Love in prison

Okay, it’s time to do a little myth-busting here. I’m a little bit tired of friends and loved ones working under the assumption that my “male virginity” has been in danger since I walked in the front door of this place. Some of them have even been bold enough to ask (and you know who you are) if I’ve turned gay yet. Or better yet, if I’VE BEEN TURNED gay yet.

Listen, people, no matter what HBO and your local wacky morning DJs say, I have never been attacked by a gang of bikers looking to steal my “treasure.” Maybe 50 years ago there were gangs of bull queers roaming the prison hallways looking to burglarize someone’s britches, but nowadays it just doesn’t happen like that.

Am I saying there’s no man-on-man action in here? Absolutely not. But it’s consensual. Homosexuals get arrested too. The ones that end up here usually decide to either hide it or flaunt it. There’s a lot of money to be made in offering sex in prison. So that’s what a few of them do, just like a working girl out there on the street. The price is usually reasonable, too—though I am not speaking from personal experience. This is actually seen as a good thing by the guards. If a guy can book a whammer over in C-Block for 10 bucks, why would he risk life and limb trying to take it from somebody? Let ’em get the stress out.

Not all guys who are inclined to that sort of behavior are looking for cheap, tawdry sex. So yeah, sometimes they’ll fall in love in here and even get “married.” You’ll see them out walking on the recreation yard hand-in-hand, just like lovers strolling in Central Park, but usually in the background are catcalls, whistles, and guys screaming, “It’s Adam and EVE, not Adam and STEVE!” But they’re committed and don’t care, and that’s the extent of it. And honestly you don’t want to push ANYONE in here too far, gay or not. I’ve met some guys in here who made Ru Paul look straight, but would tear your head off if you messed with them. Literally.

So that’s about how it goes in here. There’s no booty bandit named Bubba prowling the cell blocks looking for fresh meat. There’s a new bus coming in almost every week, and if you’re looking for love (or just a good time), there’s probably a likely candidate in the group. But most of the guys like to think of themselves as “manly men,” and are too busy pissing to mark their territory to use than they do for anything else. 99% of the time, you’re either already gay when you get here, or never at all. Most of us run a perfectly efficient “solo operation,” and keep our libido satisfied that way. I’ll tell you about that another time. For now, I’m glad I could help straighten things out, and for the last time, Lauren, no, I have not lost my innocence!